A Guest Contribution

This comes to us via Horsey-mail from LaMonte. LaMonte, I hope you don't mind me posting your email, I'm assuming the story was to go with the photo. At any rate, I'm not quite sure what to say to this. I'll let our viewers decide:

Hiya Horsie!

LaMonte here. I have something kinda cute for ya - it's a picture that my daughter, Jade, made up in Photoshop (attached). Cute story to go along with it too.

So I had Jade (8) visiting with me this past weekend. I'm on a bit of a tight budget here, so I always have to come up with activities that don't cost much.

We were at a loss for something to do on Saturday afternoon, when a cool idea popped into my head. I said to her: "Hey sweetie - go and draw a really good picture of me with Horseonovich.....and I'll download the new PowerPuff Grrls movie off of Kazaa for you later."

About 90 minutes later, she showed me this picture. I told her that it was a very nice picture: she captured Daddy's poor posture and unkempt hair. Lit cigarette was a nice touch.

There were a few details that I didn't care for, so I said: "But honey......ummm......why did you draw the two of us holding hands? Men don't hold hands, dear."

Jade retorted: "Well, Uncle Ryan and Uncle Brad hold hands all the time."

"Yeah, we had a talk about that before, honey. Those guys are homos. And they're not even related to you - they're just your mother's idiot friends. Okay? Alright.....let's forget about that for moment. Ummmm......where is Horseonovich's neck? Where are his feet?"

The tears started welling up in her little eyes. She tried to say something but she was too choked up. This little emotional performance really, really pissed me off because I could clearly see her mother's influence at work. (Stacy had a habit of bursting into tears whenever she encountered even mild criticism from anybody. Oh, but get this - she would piss/bitch/moan about every little thing. If she couldn't find a reason to bitch, she would invent one. But then that's just one of life's peculiar ironies: people who are hypercritical are also hypersensitive to criticism.)

Jade was in full bawling-baby mode. She was so loud that even the asshole next door who routinely plays his hip-hop tunes at 7000 decibels was pounding on the walls. With her mouth wide open and eyes shut tightly, I popped a few Ritalyn down her throat. That solved the problem very quickly. I don't remember what happened after that.

And now that the worst is behind us, we can all laugh about it.

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Here is the attachment:

The Drawing

Let's All Bask in the Golden Glow of Horsey Love

It seems our trusty steed is absent. Is he really a stallion? Or just a mythical pegasus??? One never knows...but until his return, we shall have to bask in the warm glow of Horsey Love from afar:

Jew, my excellent good friend, you needn't have bothered. I don't really pay a lot of attention to you anyway, and you're really just kind of a minor annoyance. So chill out man, the Horsey Love is still there, man.

Hetero, you are using up your ration of Horsey Love quickly with lines like that. All you had to do was omit the "due to Reagans policies" portion of that sentence and you'd have remained bathed in my golden --er-- light.

'Rec, I can no longer champion or defend you or your presence here to the others. That position is, for me, no longer defensible. I have taken heat for it from some of the others already, and defended you in the past. I was wrong, and I concede this. Thus, with sadness, I must now say that you may no longer bask in the golden glow of Horsey Love.

Rectus you are not a bad sort, for a festering fucking cunt. You took my post from the other day like a trooper, and for that alone, you may once again bask in the warm, golden glow of Horsey love.

Even the "Bill O'novich's" of the world can bask in the warm, golden glow of Horsey Love here at Cruel.

Jew Cocks, a/k/a "Shy" went the way of "Darwinism" weeks ago. He had his breakdown. Through the careful application of Warm Horsey Love, over time, Jew finally went off the deep end.

Ah, suddenly the high-minded wit of the Decadence I've come to know and love has returned. Medicine-time, or have you just come back to your senses, and are you ready to receive the warm and golden embrace of Warm Horsey Love once again?

By golly gum! I am *liking* this fellow. 6655-onovich, welcome to the warm golden embrace of Horsey Love.

Until then, always remember: Horsey loves you all.

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Special thanks to Scotty for his subject matter contribution. Here's an award for you, Horsey-Style:

Golden Horse

More Fun with Photos

Photo credits go out to NYJewbagel for the background image, Horse for the wonderful image of his afroman days, and to Dirck, who always seems happy to supply a photo of his body parts.

Yee Hee Hee and a Bottle of Rum

Today, we use the cruel message search to find interesting Horse Nuggets surrounding his favorite form of exclamation, the "Yee Hee". Since Yee Hee usually is it's own sentence, in horsespeak, I have chosen to include the sentence directly before the Yee Hee, in order to make it more interesting:

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And with that I will now say fare the fucking well. Yee Hee!

The rest of you can decide for yourselves. yee hee.

well, gotta think of the young'uns, don't we? Yee Hee

blow it out your ass. bitch. Yee Hee!

Drudge is currently showcasing Moore at top of page, but will probably be snuffed soon, and relegated to the lower left corner, if at all....._ YEE HEE!

I can't help but wonder if this little filly wouldn't mind assmilitaing some horse cock into her mouth.... Yee Hee!

Go in peace. Yee Hee!

(Heh, but then again, this could all be just more subterfuge on my part, right? ---One never knows with ol' Horsey, hey? Yee Hee! )

Let's see what else is going on here tonight . .. . . . Yee Hee!

What's more, I do a fabulous, guttural "Yee Hee" .... nothing like you've imagined, I'm sure.

I think I've found the source of the Yee Hee:

Yee Hee Hee


Yee Hee!

Wordsearch with Horsey

I think this new idea of searching on "Horsey Themes" is rather fun. There are key phrases that Horse uses, verbal fingerprints if you will...that make using the cruel search feature easy. The "My Work Here is Done" entry is a prime example. I have since plugged in tasty word nuggets like "Stay Tuned" and I am proud to share these shining results with you all, my dear readers:

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Topic: Jessica OOPS!-no BUTTS
Posted by horseonovich on 2003-11-07; 13:02:37

I will be curious to see what truths turn up, Scottso. Stay tuned.

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Topic: Which came first.....
Posted by Horseonovich on 2003-12-01; 14:41:47

Scsotdc,

Certainly and absolutely the same person: hersexCHoney, Shes20 Vitual_Zone, Wordsgarden ....

PROBABLY ALSO the same:LONGSHOTS, BUT LIKELY: CyberTurd.

ON THE CRUEL.COM SIDE, this person who assumes all the above-mentioned identities is a.k.a.

"name1" and "debbie" alternately ---this is an absolute known. Make no mistakes.

I have been doing some other research as well, and may be able to shed some blockbuster info on

who the "Cruel" Exit2Right really is, too. No flipping, stay tuned for more....

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Topic: The bitter aftertaste of college
Posted by horseonovich on 2003-12-10; 19:05:56

Oops! Duplicate Post. Stay Tuned for SHOCKING CONCLUSION:


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Topic: Something About Shoving Dick Up Ass
Posted by Horseonovich on 2004-02-19; 12:26:50

Another ostrich buries its head, and with it its tiny brain.

I gotta say, someone could write a textbook on the developmental psychology of Cruellers. This is classic Cruel "adolescence". Now he begins to lash out at everyone. Wait, stay tuned,

there's lots more where this came from, folks!

Yip! Yip! YeeHee!

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Topic: US soldier Pencildick --NOT!
Posted by Horseonovich on 2004-02-20; 13:33:04

Not since Darwinism have I so throughly enjoyed smacking someone around like this. Thanks,

buddy! Oh, and there's lots more to come,so stay tuned!

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Topic: US soldier Pencildick --NOT!
Posted by Horseonovich on 2004-02-20; 13:53:57

Lechero - I am currently in negotiations with one of our esteemed Cruel members whose name, for now, shall be witheld, about hosting a couple of my pics -- several from the military. They're old, so I don't mind. Stay tuned.

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Topic: But I'm sure SCOTTY.
Posted by Horseonovich on 2004-03-25; 13:43:45

Well, stay tuned for Horsey's next topic, coming up after these words from our sponsor....

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Topic: HORSEBALLS: JUDGEMENT DAY
Posted by Horseonovich on 2004-11-02; 13:10:30

...Stay tuned for MORE up-to-the-minute coverage, folks. We'll be right back ..............

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Topic: HORSEBALLS Complete Up2-Minute Coverage
Posted by Horseonovich on 2004-11-02; 13:29:52

Correction, OPSEC. HORSEBALLS is your up to the minute LIVE coverage, running all day and all night. Stay tuned for further updates AS THEY HAPPEN !

Replies are unnecessary. My readership is implicit. Thanks for the love, though.

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Stay tuned, indeed.

Some people just aren't good liars...

Thanks to Foxie Moxie for finding this particular post that I was referring to. Maybe Horsie would like to elaborate on why he is so interested in what magazine I write for?

Looks like Horsey got his hooves tangled in Charlotte's web:

http://www.cruel.com/discuss/viewMessage.php/138797

Smitty/Roger :You're probably right. It's sailing related, Horse. Hence why I said you probably never read it.

Horse: I own an old Soling and am purchasing a pre-owned catamaran for use out on Long Island Sound next summer. You're right, wouldn't know a fucking thing....

editor's note: Anyone who sails knows that Catamaran's are not sailboats!

http://www.cruel.com/discuss/viewTopic.php/132946

Up my way, the Hudson River sloops are most beautiful. I had the opportunity to "crew" on one this past summer....Smitty:Gaff rigged sloop? Nice. ... Draws 8 feet...I'm assuming...centerboard down... Ours draws 6 with the board down...nboard in the stern?...You don't carry a diesel in the yawl boat, do ya?...Ours is in the push boat.

Smitt-onovich, I have no idea what in the hootin', hollerin' FUCK you are talking about. Nor do I have any idea how my "anima" alter-ego, Roger That, managed to dredge up such information from the bilge of my frontal and temporal lobes. But for the moment we shall assume that you actually are a real person so that I can "respond" to "you".

When I say I "crewed" on the fucking thing, that means I was a glorified tourist taking a ride on the fucking "Clearwater", ok? (I was also on the "Woodie Guthrie" a month or so earlier...nicer people run that boat). We had to do little things to make it feel like we were actually helping, like if the wind blew one way, or we were turning, we had to help move several pieces of wood and stand on another side of the boat, etc. We also had to listen to lectures and shit by nerdy little "sloop" enthusiasts who, had they actually lived in "sloop" times, would have been cast overboard by big, fishy-smelling bruisers, and used as bait for the (now endangered) sturgeon.

Here's Horsey's post admitting his blunder:


Posted by Horseonovich on 2004-12-07; 15:03:28 (message 138812; reply to 138804; 16 reads)

Oops, you caught me Rog. I dunno first thing about sailboats. I did like "Master and Commander" though .... I'd wager you did, too, but not necessarily for the boats (wink-wink you devil)

My work here is done...

Today I discovered something interesting while searching for material at cruel.com.
See if you can find the common theme. Hint: I've even bolded it for you! I'm starting with a classic quote, to set the tone.

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Topic: Announcement From Horseonovich
Posted by Horseonovich on 2004-01-15; 14:56:36 (message 72015; 1180 reads)

Dear Cruel Friends and Lurkers:

It is with mixed emotions and a profound underlying sense of sadness that I must tell you all: my work here is essentially done. I now take a half-step back away from Cruel, and move on. Certain changes have come about that will not allow me to post or participate with my usual feverish fervor. Those of you that hate my guts will rejoice, and those who find me pleasing, well, shit, you may rejoice, too.

Of course, I am not leaving, just "rightsizing" my presence down to a mere trickle. Neigh, "Once a Crueller, always a Crueller" is my motto. The addiction is too great, as many of you are all too painfully aware. But meatspace duties and other interests call, and I must away!

The transition will be a painful one for old Horse. And I am by no means going to simply vanish. I'll still be around, lurking, and shall even occasionally post. Naturally, I will remain available for consultation during the peaceful transition of power to Fat Wang, my obvious heir to the throne. Also, you can of course expect my occasional riveting and timely commentaries, where I see fit. And not to worry! -- If you are one of those complete fucking assholes who have been fortunate enough to draw out my nurturing equine wrath, expect to still "feel the love" in all its grandiose bombast. After all, who am I to completely shed my duties to fuck with you?

As you are so many, and I am just one, I cannot possibly address each of you individually --but I do care for all of you (yes, even you VV-- and your Mom is in the best of hands). If anyone would like a personal goodbye, simply request it and I will comply. I expect that my transition to mostly lurking will be complete by the end of the weekend, to give you all proper time to adjust, grieve, and speak your piece.

With Love and Squalor,
Horseonovich

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No...THAT one was ok, but would have been better without all the other preamble that finally lead up to it. Had that been your ONE SOLITARY response, it would have been perfect "cruelling" --- I think you are beginning to see now. My work here is done -- Thanks, Dar. Please don't take it too fucking personally, the way I did, when they jumped all over MY shit (tho THAT did lead to some hilarious stuff)

Agreed. In retrospect, and having had a chance to review a lion's share of this growing thread (and with some time since my last postings, to ponder and reflect with Pete's Wicked ale), I NO LONGER think this is Dar. Czarina passes the "Horse's Dar-Detecto Test" and may now move on to the next phase of the initiation process: "really cruel".

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As my work here is done (that is, ensuring her state of non-darness), I defer to the elders of cruel to complete the process.

Sorry, Czar. I had to put you through the paces there ... think of me as the site "ashcroft" --can never be too careful these days.

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Oops! --You mean with the exception of the "political agitator" and the "hype machine" talents, right? Care to revise? I also found the "hack nontalent" comments to be less than objective, but I will give you that one. As to what is up my ass, nothing, besides Aude's head, which I must occasionally extract.

By the way, Wooly, presenting me with a brief accounting of your personal tastes is no refutation of me at all. I share your tastes, as a matter of fact. But I do like your "which can be impressive ... just as many misfires as homeruns" comments. It shows me that you are starting to backpedal a bit on your previous blanket statement ("Spike Lee= political agitator/hack nontalent/hype machine"). My work here is complete, so I will leave some of your pride intact.

I'll just let the "Horse's Bitch" and "considerable empirical information" (really just a dollars & cents accounting) go for now. Leave you some dignity. Glad to see you coming about on this, though. I won't rub it in because it may cause you to regress.

You're a good boy at heart, Wooly.

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Hmm ... I just read this entire thread. What have I learned? Well, I've learned that, even though it is *me* (that's right, pretenders, li'l ol' Horsey) who remains the undisputable king of "Number of CSoTD's Suggested" (Roger, you have not been around much, have you?), still my work here at Cruel is nearly done.

In Roger_That and NY Shylock, truly, I have found apt pupils who are nearly finished with their mentoring. The brazen horseshit in their contributions to this very thread tell me that the time is nearly at hand for them to (please pardon the expression) "take the reins" as Cruel's new leaders. It will be a shared leadership; a coalition, if you will. With my blessings, of course.

That's right, folks, ol' Horsey's fixin' ta ride off onto the prairie yet again. No major topic "announcements" this time. Just tears of pride as my junior spiritual progeny, that of Smitty and Shy, prepare to take control once again. I will be yielding the floor to them soon, friends. I will let you all know when.

Until then, always remember: Horsey loves you all.

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Say, Dirck. I'm waxing nostalgical tonight. Maybe it's time we formalized this "handing over of the reins". This is your board now, you know? I mean, let's face it, raw-vulgarity-over-style-&-grace seems to be en vouge these days ....

Besides, I been thinkin' maybe it's time this ol' pony took that last trot uppy yonder to that big glue factory in the sky. My work here seems nearly done, wouldn't you agree?

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Yes, yes. I would.

Match.com???

This speaks for itself:

Interview with Roger/Smitty

FoxieMoxie has requested an interview. So, here are the questions and my replies.

What was it about Horse that made you take the guise of Matt Drudge on Drudge Retort?

http://www.drudge.com/discuss/viewMessage.php/1018

I believe the above link was my first post as Matt Drudge. Matt was spawned thanks to Chaiyah's psychotic rantings...and it was an attempt to f*ck with her, and hopefully to get her to shut up. I figured she was stupid enough to believe that Matt really posted at the website. (ie: http://www.drudge.com/discuss/viewMessage.php/1028). Btw, does anyone remember the "Chaiyah/LightShip" stuff: http://www.drudge.com/discuss/viewMessage.php/1575

She also believed this was really Matt's site, and no one could tell her different. Anyways, after Chaiyah came Horse. Horse was just as annoying, but in a slightly more rational way. So I thought I'd drag out old "Matt" again, and dangle that carrot in front of the Horse. I thought I might be able to use the old "Matt says you can't post for 3 weeks" bit on him, to get him to stop posting for a bit.

I will try to find the Matt/Horse exchange at Drudge, but I'm not having any luck...if anyone finds it and wants to post it, I'd be obliged.

When he seemed to take the bait (hay?) you were obviously pleased. How did you feel when he found out the truth?

When Horse took the bait, I was pretty giddy with laughter - but I wouldn't consider it any sort of great accomplishment. I was pleasantly surprised, as I thought he was a tad saner than Chaiyah, and would have figured this out already. However, I truly enjoyed his reverence for Matt, and his inability to question the truth of random words on the internet. Unfortunately, this led to his discovering cruel.com.

In the middle of the Horse furor, you left the Cruel board. Why? What prompted your welcomed return?

My boyfriend and I split up, so 'real life' intervened and I had no desire to be around cruel.com and have to explain this to 10,000 strangers on a message board. After things cooled down, I just lost interest. I know Horse will be sad to hear that it really had nothing to do with him at all. It just all seemed so trite, that I had no desire to bother with it anymore.

As far as my return - I assure you it will be sporadic. Thanks to the holiday lull here at work, and the end of sailing season, I will be a bit more available than normal. I decided to drop in early this past spring and see what was up at cruel. I was less than pleased the first time I dropped in - seeing that Horse still had his cyber-reigns tight on the board. It looked juvenille. Meta was gone, Peco, RangerX, George Orr, etc... I didn't see any familiar faces, so I didn't log on or post. Eventually, boredom got the best of me. I didn't really want to come back as Smitty and revive the past, so I came back as "Roger_That". Not to be confused with RogerThat, or Roger That.

Please decribe with honesty your feelings for Horse today.

Horse is definitely an anomaly (like was said in that Haiku). I am both repulsed and fascinated with that which is The Horse. On one hand, he is a raving, seemingly lonely, internet obsessed old man who wears wifebeaters and has several cats living in his abode; he seems to need cruel.com to feed his inner ego (and outer ego). Cruel.com seems to be the fuel that feeds his fire...the hamster in his wheel, the slave behind his plow if you will. It's a strange symbiotic relationship, however. In a bizarre way, cruel.com needs him too. Although I am personally on the fence about that. I think if he dissapeared, it wouldn't be all that bad. However, his trite conversation, his ability to bait even the best of us, and the strange and even sometimes wonderful threads he spawns are nothing short of a contribution. I hesitate to preface that with 'good' or 'wonderful'. Horse is a meme. Horse is a plague. Horse is, well, a horse, of course of course.

Ps - not sure what the question about my return to cruel had to do with anything, but what the hell.

HORSE's FIRST SECRET TROLL REVEALED!

This nugget was submitted by an anonymous 'admirer'. Thanks for bringing this tasty tidbit to my attention! Oh, and horse - for the record - I was never JoyFulGurl. It rings a bell though.

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Posted by horseonovich on 2003-08-02; 00:39:04 (message 40652; 2678 reads)

JOYFULGIRL! (You dumbshit, I had no intention of OUTING you. You outed yourself....Now I will finish the job)

FOLKS, yes, JOYFULGIRL is one of the "secret trolls." The original one, in fact. She's a sad and kinda homely little girl who lives up in Ottawa, or so she says. Lately we've been having "words" because she did not like that I was not being her "hero" anymore. She loved how I dis'd all you guys, and she hates some of you.

She failed to understand how I was having fun here, and it seemed to infuriate her when I did not get mad at you guys, or feel angry after you took me to task, etc. She could not understand that.


She really hates Ptah and Smitty, b t w, but she has a BIG FAT crush on Deanie. I think she MAY want to blow him. She always used the little "happy tongue" face whenever we discussed him on MSM.

OH YES... and if anyone actually gives a rats ass, I have all sorts of saved transcripts of our online MSM chats, and emails, EVEN a few unflattering webcam photos. What fun!


Her name is Melodie (or so she says) She has been trolling around for a long time. Except for a seeming encyclopedic memory with regards to the website (because it's all she does all day, every day) she is a little thick and slow. Again, IF ANYONE really gives a flying fuck about our little waste-product of a histrionic woman-child, and would like further details, shit, just ask. Got the whole can of beans on this little neurotic troll. ALTHOUGH I DO OWE HER a debt of thanks. Were it not for her, I would not have found you all, my cruel brethren. And when she turned on me, little cunt that she is, I felt it would be in my best interests to reveal all.

WARNING -- She is very hateful towards me now, and will be saying things that are not true, and some that ARE true. Let me be the one to clarify matters. For one thing, I AM FUCKPUPPET. She knew that, and it's about the only thing she has on me. I freely admit that to you now. It was fun while it lasted. However, having said that, I will also say that I am NOT S.Joe. That hunch she is dead wrong about. I do not know the guy. I think he is cool, over on DR, but he is not one of my many characters. I've pretty much stopped that shit.

ANYWAY ... she thought she would be slick posting on a Friday night, thinking it would get buried. She was wrong. I will repost this if it does not reach enough of you. AFTER ALL, none of you believed I had a little troll ! There are others, too. Let this be a warning to them to be NICE to me, or I will out them!

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Horsey-Haiku

A recent reader submitted some Horse inspired Haiku. I would like to encourage the faithful HorseBlog readers to submit some more of these - as I think they show promise. The first batch, however, was a relatively poor showing - even though it does have potential.

An anomoly
a meme most unholy
Will it never end?

What's under your nose?
do you call that a mustache?
looks more like ass hair

Horseonovich Mon
tecore Horsetecore Mon
tovich Thomas C

War Cry of the Horse
This is my bread, my manna
Peace and Love, Yee Hee

Shut up Shut up Shut
Up Shut up Shut up Shut Up
Shut up Shut up Die

Horsey-Web

How did I miss this? Dear Horse has his own webpage. It's probably old anyways...

http://www.geocities.com/horseonovich/

I admit, it's not much...but hey, Horse hasn't been providing any entertainment this morning, so I will have to provide my own I guess.

Here's a bonus pic culled from recent cruelage:

Horse - here's a special present for you. For your cell phone, assuming you have one: I love Horses

Ps:

Hey Aude, why don't you contribute more to the blog?

Foxie Moxie - won't you drop me an email??

Blasts from the Past

Since Horse hasn't been around this morning at cruel to post anything interesting, I will have to cull the reserves at Drudge for some old material. However, isn't there a saying "Oldies but Goodies"?? I'd have to say I agree:

As Cleaning Lady:

I am CLEANING LADY- - - I span the Bandwidth... I threaten the Throughput,

.....and DEFRAG these threadbare threads

You could say I just love to tidy things up !

So let's all don our latex gloves (or place latex expandable items on any appendage you like, really) and get to work !

As Horse:

Funny Deanie.

Again, I had nothing to do with the unmasking,though. And I am NOT Cleaning Lady. Geez! It just sort of happened. People got in touch with ME, can you believe it?! You have no idea .... none at all. But I am fine with carrying on, and having fun at cruel as well. ALTHOUGH I was gonna keep my mouth shut to keep Exeunt away from there. Now you've gone and blown the deal! ASSHAT!

Oh i see.... you are fishing to see if I will expose the traitor among you. Sorry. That isn't Cleaning Lady. That's another,who will proceed in his/her own sweet time. Please don't fish me for info. I am just sort of going along with the flow and flossing my shit-eatin' grin while you guys squirm. Hey, I do hope we can all be friends and laugh this off one day!

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There are so many nuggets (McNuggets?) in the above quotes that one could be harvesting for days. I was going to bold the funny parts, but then I realized I'd just have to bold the whole goddamn post.