<% Response.ExpiresAbsolute = Now() - 1 Response.AddHeader "Cache-Control", "must-revalidate" Response.AddHeader "Cache-Control", "no-cache" %> The Morning Oats - A Bitter Cruel Substitute: 11/28/2004 - 12/05/2004

The Morning Oats - A Bitter Cruel Substitute

If you have a cruel link that you'd like to post, please use the "Add a Link" link below. As always, you can email me interesting subject matter at: my email address.
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Friday, December 3

As I like to say, HOLY SHITBALLS!

this submission had me choking on the morning coffee. Nice work! More of these would be great.

Here's one of my own:

I will leave a few links to places where the less creative can create their own comics for submission:



I'm not sure WTF this one is, but it looks like it might have potential:


Horsetecore, Montonovich, MonteHorse...

Feast your eyes on the following interchange copied and pasted from a series of emails between your humble correspondent and Mr Ed himself (note I have supressed Horse's email address - I know some of you have it, but I'm not THAT mean:

Gray: "I have no idea if you and monty are the same or not, I just know it seems to irritate him (or you)."

H: "We talked about this before and I have gone public about my other identities, but you know that I had a reason for doing that at the time. I am in email contact with montecore, just like I sometimes email you, or eggs, or ops. We're not buddies or anything, and I have never met him, but I assure you he is not me. I think you need to move on from your my little pony schtick."

Gray: "Well, the big slip-up was when you both started referring to tigerlily as "Lil" - you weren't too keen on me pointing that out, were you? I really don't know why you and NYJ and maybe a bunch of others feel this need to go in disguise."

H: "OK, kudos for that. I have been using the montecore identity to let me discuss issues without all the tards jumping in and disagreeing with me just because it's lil' ol' horsey. But keep it to yourself, will you cobber? I'm just having a bit of fun with it. And thanks again for the tip on the shiraz, it's bonzer, mate."

And that's it, cruel fans, the fat lady herself has sung. I'm breaking no promises because I never made any. Rest assured, your secret is NOT safe with me.

courtesy of Gray

A Plea to the Masses...

It's going to be a quiet weekend here at the HorseBlog, since your humble blogmaster will be away. So, I'd like to put out a plea for content for today. I don't have the mental interest to go searching for something to post here, nor the desire at the moment. That could change, however. You can email me submissions, or post them in comments and if it's good enough, I'll bump it up into it's own post.

FoxieMoxie - do I know you? There are so many goddamned aliases over at cruel that I have no idea even whom to suspect. That's a nut I don't want to try to crack.

I see Horse is chilling at the moment, perhaps somewhere offline? Even Seabiscuit needed a break. har har. or should I say, YEE HEE.

Ps. Do any of you geek bloggers know how I make the Horsie Master profile show up on the front of the blog - off to the right side? I'm no blogger.

Thursday, December 2

"Keep the focus on moi, and issues surrounding moi..."

I've been corresponding this delightful girl from Yahoo personals. Nothing serious, merely a light intellectual dalliance to distract, and of course to share my special gift of words with, to bring a bit of light and beauty into the otherwise dank and unenlightened interior of her mind. While she's not my equal in intellect, wit, grace, or to be frank looks, she does have a well developed sense of culture and taste. She seems quite taken with my unique expressive abilities, and has compared me favorably with Steven King. While I'm no fan of that particular hack, it's the compliment that counts. Isn't it? She's a bit moody, but she tells me she's on estrogen therapy (I'm not sure why), so maybe that has something to do with it. I'm trying my utmost to acquire her phone number, but she seems a bit shy. A shame, for my word gift excels in my elocution. I'll let all you dancing pretties know more as this shit transpires.


Editor's note to the person who submitted this: Where did you find this lovely gem????

That's Crap-tastic!

Another submission:

Come to think of it, Pat, I could do with a good long shit myself. Rice kind of binds me up. But I have the answer.

I have discovered, in the course of my trodding through life's merry intervals between stool deposits, TWO surefire "natural" laxative methods that will help bring forth prodigious globs of the friendly brown "beer-snakes" (as m'pappy would call them).

1. Sitting down to brows the Web. Never fails. As soon as I sit down in front of a CRT and to online, I need to take a shit.

2. Failing that, when there's no computer to be found, this second method works quite well:

There's this old episode of Davey And Goliath ... It's the one where Davey gets knocked out while goofing around on a stalled freight train. He awakens to find himself miles from home, alone and scared. Even the tracks seem to sing: All-alone, all-alone, all-alone.... It seems hopeless.... But then he spies a ladder with access to the roof of the chugging car; he climbs it, pops the lid and sees a landscape racing by. His eyes happen upon a small church, pastoral against a plastic landscape, and suddenly the all alone, all alone becomes counterpoint to --and is soon superseded by-- God is everywhere-everywhere-everywhere, God is everywhere-everywhere-everywhere... ... and this little beatific smile colors Davey's face; he knows all is truly well in God's world....

Anyway, if I think hard on that particular moment when I'm on the pot --any pot, anywhere, regardless of what I ate-- I find I'm able to drop a heavy malodorous fudge payload with total abandon.

Strange, these mnemonic triggers that pursue us even from the distance of childhood.... Call it Claymation Fecal Satisfaction if you must. I call it fulfillment.

Hot off the Presses...

Most recent submission. I like this photo and a quote format. Maybe we should stick with it.
"It's vehicle emmissions time again. This can be a problem for my hybrid vehicle. It's true what they say though, disposable diapers ARE cheaper than cloth ones."

No Morning Oats

Since Horse has chosen not to post some morning oats for us blathering fans, I thought I'd repost this wondeful photoshop job, along with a recent Horse quote. Sorry, Foxy Moxie - I'm stealing your idea to a point.

"In any case, you may have also seen that bit about how male sperm from different guys "fight" one another. They actually ran a camera up some chick's cunt. First they inseminated her with one fellow's sperm. Many of these "attached" themselves and hunkered down for guard duty (meaning not all sperm necessarily stuggle and compete to reach the ovaries). They lay in wait, and when the scientists introduced a second man's sperm up the woman's cunt, the "guard" sperm from the first group ambushed the second and killed'm off. Nature's way of ... I dunno ... something. But fascinating stuff to watch. "

Ok people

Get more creative over here. How about some photoshopped pictures? God knows you all have plenty of material to work with.


Wednesday, December 1

Recent Submissions:

posted as received:

horseonovich Mar 24, 2004 1:54 AM
I am a big loser.

horseonovich Mar 28, 2004 6:26 AM
im gay...a gay loser. i argue with peeps all day on the intrnet and pretend i have a job and a life an women. im a lonely gay man please help me, ill do anything if you pay my internet bill mom wont pay it any more

Name: Horseonovich
Date Posted: Feb 14, 04 - 6:34 PM
Message: Good job. All this time I thought Janet Jackson was just tacky. Now I know it goes much deeper than that. But I hope you don't let Justin Timberlake off the hook. Don't forget he was in on the whole thing. If he doesn't have satanic leanings, at the very least he's every bit as tacky as Janet

I lick my pennies...my peener is better than yours...Time for meds...bye now!
horseonovich Mar 24, 2004 1:54 AM

horseonovich - An insult combining the terms "horse's ass" with "son of a bitch" with a Russian flavor.

e.g., Chris is a real horseonovich.

Horseonovich (horsey@mailinator.com) says:
AAaaaaahhhhh! The ear goggles, they do nothing! Also, I like to eat poop. (09-28-2004)

How to Post here at the HorseBlog:

If you have any "Morning Oats" or oats of any kind...Hell even if you just have barley or hops (or free beer) you can send them to me at cutebunny906 at yahoo.

I will publish anything you email here at the blog. I will not edit it, unless it contains phone numbers, addresses, or anything that could get me into legal trouble. I also promise to keep your email/name anonymous...unless you request that I post it.

This is a blog for FUN...and not to be taken too serious, folks.

Horsey, feel free to contribute your own morning oats too if you like.

Some Photos to Share

Tuesday, November 30

Blog Is Back Open For Business

YEE HEE! Comments away... no message posting priveledges for you all, but you can feel free to comment for now.

Razor's Edge

Chronicle 2: I was travelling to the National Fishkill Writer's Weekly Conglomerate of Colligans when I realised that in order to properly exhibit my intellectual linguistics, I would need to shave my mustache. Unfortunately, its become apparent that no one respects me when I have pubic hair growing under my nasal passages. I deftly unwrapped the #3 razor from the package that had rested so neatly under the sink in my bathroom for the past ten years. As I turned it on its edge to study it, I realized there was yet a better use for this blade, then trimming my manly mustache.

I could kill myself!

However, that would permanently holster my manpleaser, and all the world would surely cry.

She has not my Word Gift

Have nots -that is what I find myself surrounded by lately. Look around you, grab a fucker off the street and talk to him for a while. What is lacking in our fatigued reality of modern day conversation is word gift. Thus, I would like to dedicate this chronicle of confessions and sorts to my unfortunate interaction with those around me lacking my gift of conversation, both written and oral.

Chronicle 1: After choosing the perfect zucchini at my local market, I decided to take a walk on the wicked side of life and chose the perfect Shiraz to sip after I enjoy my falic vegetable. "Penfold's is fine indeed". At least that is what I tried to tell the marginally attractive woman eying the wine rack beside me. But as soon as those beautiful words rolled off my tongue, wrapped in colored iridescent cellophane and bowed as the gift that words can become, she became inattentive. I asked if she was "only passing through Fishkill", a stocking stuffer of a phrase that garnered a wince. "How can my gift be ignored" I asked. Confused and lacking the gift of wit and response, she uttered, "huh?".

Sadly, I rolled by cart away from the selfish woman, who indeed was probably a lesbian. Barring my appearance, I will chalk today's events up to women lacking the ability to appreciate my word gift.


I shoved my morning oats so far up aude's ass, I had to wait until he puked them out to get my breakfast.



Don't tell me I made it in first! Roger, my asshat's off to you. Sheer brilliance to set this up.

Who's next?

Morning Oats, Cruel, Horseonovich, Meg Kelso, Sean Klitzner, Meg Kelso, Sean Klitzner, Morning Oats, Cruel, Horseonovich, Meg Kelso, Meg Kelso