I wrote this spoof ages ago. It made best of Craigslist at one point. I just wanted to immortalize it.
To whore, or not to whore: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to screw
The dicks and cocks of outrageous variation,
Or to remain chaste against a sea of sexual frustration,
And by opposing, lose the boyfriend? To die: to not fuck;
No more; and by a fuck to say we end
The crotch-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to fuck;
To fuck: perchance to whore: ay, there's the [clit]rub;
For in that fuck of randomness what STD's may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal cock,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes skankiness of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of S&M,
The dominator's wrong, the proud woman's whip,
The pangs of despised cheatery, the law's delay,
The insolence of orifice and the burns
That patient VD of the unworthy takes,
When she herself might her sluttiness make
With a bare bottom? who would others bear,
To grunt and sweat under a hairy man,
But that the dread of something just like AIDS,
The undiscover'd country, a gaping hole
No traveller returns, boards tied on ass
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of whoredom
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great spunk and semen
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action.--screw me now!
O fair cumdispenser! I am Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remember'd.
