That's Crap-tastic!

Another submission:

Come to think of it, Pat, I could do with a good long shit myself. Rice kind of binds me up. But I have the answer.

I have discovered, in the course of my trodding through life's merry intervals between stool deposits, TWO surefire "natural" laxative methods that will help bring forth prodigious globs of the friendly brown "beer-snakes" (as m'pappy would call them).

1. Sitting down to brows the Web. Never fails. As soon as I sit down in front of a CRT and to online, I need to take a shit.

2. Failing that, when there's no computer to be found, this second method works quite well:

There's this old episode of Davey And Goliath ... It's the one where Davey gets knocked out while goofing around on a stalled freight train. He awakens to find himself miles from home, alone and scared. Even the tracks seem to sing: All-alone, all-alone, all-alone.... It seems hopeless.... But then he spies a ladder with access to the roof of the chugging car; he climbs it, pops the lid and sees a landscape racing by. His eyes happen upon a small church, pastoral against a plastic landscape, and suddenly the all alone, all alone becomes counterpoint to --and is soon superseded by-- God is everywhere-everywhere-everywhere, God is everywhere-everywhere-everywhere... ... and this little beatific smile colors Davey's face; he knows all is truly well in God's world....

Anyway, if I think hard on that particular moment when I'm on the pot --any pot, anywhere, regardless of what I ate-- I find I'm able to drop a heavy malodorous fudge payload with total abandon.

Strange, these mnemonic triggers that pursue us even from the distance of childhood.... Call it Claymation Fecal Satisfaction if you must. I call it fulfillment.